010) The RCMP Desk Sergeant Declares Open Season on Civilians

The RCMP corporal put the paper aside with a concerned frown as the desk sergeant came in.
Noting the frown, the sergeant asked, 'What's the problem corporal?'
'It says here in the paper that as of last month, most of the civilians have no confidence in us. In B.C. more than 70 per cent say they have NO confidence in us!' whined the corporal.

Unperturbed, the desk sergeant calmly replied, ' At over $60 thousand a year after 6 months on the job are we still the highest paid grade 12 graduates you ever heard of ?'
'Ya', said the corporal.
'On top of that we got a raise and nobody else did.'
'Ya', said the corporal.
'We got our contract renewed for 20 years.'
'Ya.'
'And the icing on the cake, as of this week it's open season. We can punch any of those 70 per centers right smack in the face if they so much as give us a dirty look, and get away with it'
'Ya!'
'So who gives a f*** about the 70% ?' asked the sergeant rhetorically.
'NOT ME!' replied the happy corporal.

009) Curative Discharge and he RCMP desk sergeant's holiday advice...

'Your looking a bit tired corporal,' the sergeant advised. 'Why don't you take some extra time off ?'

'Thanks Sergeant,' the corporal answered. ' That would be great. Can you set it up for me?'

'No problem,' answered the sergeant. 'Stop at the pub for a few beers on your way home and I'll arrange to have you pulled over when you get close to your house. Then I'll do an internal investigation and you'll get ten days off- with pay of course.'

'But we did that last year,' the corporal reminded the sergeant.

'No problem,' the sergeant reminded him. 'If you get really really totally fall-down drunk, we can get Judge Lenehan to give you a curative discharge.' But don't run over anybody unless you want a few years off with pay.

'I love this job,' enthused the corporal as he grabbed his jacket and headed for his car.

008) The RCMP Desk Sergeant Explains Danger Pay

'I'm getting pretty tired of everybody hacking on us over the pay raise we snuck in,' the RCMP desk sergeant complained to the corporal.  "They forget how dangerous this job is.'
'Ya,' agreed the Corporal. He thought for a minute with a worried look on his face. 'How dangerous is it?'
'Well, answered the desk sergeant, you know commercial fishermen?'
'Ya?' replied the corporal.
'You know loggers?' asked the sergent.
'Ya?'
'You know airplane pilots?'
'Ya?'
'You know steel workers?'
'Ya?'
'You know farmers?'
'Ya?'
'You know roofers?'
'Ya?'
'You know power-line workers?'
'Ya?'
'You know truck drivers?'
'Ya?'
'You know garbage men?'
'Ya?'
'Well,' said the sergeant,' They all have more dangerous jobs than us. We're tenth on the list.'
'Are we on the list because of being in fights or shot?' the corporal asked.
'Not really.' the sergeant answered. 'We're on the list because we have a lot of car accidents. And some of those are because of drunks.'
'Ya, I hate drunks,' the corporal said.
'No,' clarified the sergeant, 'I mean some of our car accidents are caused by our members being drunk.'

007) The Desk Sergeant and the dog bite. And the other dog bite.

The RCMP desk sergeant had a big grin on his face as he folded the morning paper away.
' What are you so happy about? ' asked the corporal.
'Well', answered the sergeant. 'The K9 division thought up a new trick. If you arrest some subjects and they sit down quietly, it's not much fun. So you sort of sidle up near one, so your dog- whose all excited- can leap on him and bite his leg. Then you act all surprised and say "oops".
'Good one', said the corporal.
'It gets better', the sergeant continued. ' You make a contest of it. The next K9 guy sidles up near his suspect who's also sitting quietly, and he lets his dog 'accidentally' bite that subject right on the head!'
"Fantastic !' the sergeant and corporal laughed as they high fived.

Kamloops cop given conditional discharge in obstruction case

Kamloops cop given conditional discharge in obstruction case

006) The Judge and the Drunk Mountie

'Holy mackeral', breathed the RCMP desk sergeant as he put the morning paper aside.
Glancing over, the corporal glimpsed the headline:
Judge orders counselling for Mountie | The Chronicle Herald

"Curative discharge set for impaired conviction

BRIDGEWATER — An RCMP officer who has admitted she is an alcoholic was handed a curative treatment discharge Tuesday for an impaired driving conviction, the second such charge to be laid against her.
That means Catherine Frances Mansley will have no criminal conviction if she abides by her probation conditions for the coming year.
"I do recognize that this is not something of your choosing. Your career is of your choosing and, hopefully, it will continue," Judge Gregory Lenehan of Bridgewater provincial court said... "

' "Curative Discharge", eh?' asked the corporal.
'It's a new one on me too', answered the sergeant. 'I don't know whose crazier, the judge or the drunk.'
' I see how the drunk is crazy for getting caught twice, but how is the judge crazy?,' asked the corporal.
'He should have kept that 'Curative Discharge' idea in reserve for something important that people aren't so used to.'

005) The Blonde and the Blonde

'Have you seen that cute new 19 year old blonde they transferred in last week from cadet camp?' the desk sergeant asked the corporal.
'Ya, they started her out on traffic detail,' confirmed the corporal. ' I heard yesterday she pulled over another blonde who was going 60 in a 50 km zone. Our blonde asked for the other blonde's driver's license but the driver couldn't find it in her purse. Finally she said to our blonde, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Our blonde started getting irritated, but she's still new, so she was patient. Instead of reaching for her tazer she said 'You dummy, it's got your picture on it!'
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and finally found a small mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to our blonde. Our blonde looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
'Well,' said the sergeant, 'that's good. Our blonde got off to a good start. You never know when you might need a favour from another cop.'

004) Hell no....

'Hey Sergeant?' the RCMP corporal asked as he put down the newspaper, 'What does 'net zero' mean?' 'It means, if a particlar government service- like education for instance- wanted to give a raise to teachers, it would have to take the money from somewhere else- like school buildings- because the government isn't going to put any more money in that particular service than it did the year before,' answered the desk sergeant. "Does 'net zero' apply to us?" the corporal asked. 'Hell no, of course not.' the Sergeant answered. 'Teachers with four years university start out at $47,500. with $15,000 in university debts. With a grade 12 diploma,  after six month paid cadet training and six months on the job we start at $62,500.'
 'That's totally unfair,' marvelled the corporal. 'I know', said the desk sergeant. 'That's why we get a raise and they don't.'

Alternate punch-line: 'I know, but the government might order us to crack the heads of teachers or some other shit-disturbers at a demonstration some day, and they have to pay us enough to make sure we don't refuse,' said the sergeant.

003) The wall shooters

The desk sergeant was "tsk tsk"ing as he folded the morning paper away. "What was in there?" the corporal asked, quoting the phrase and mimicking the dog voice in the Clark the Dog video.
"Well. all I can say," the sergeant answered- giving the corporal a dirty look for his early morning levity- "the people of Williams Lake better hide their daughters away quick."
"How come?" asked the corporal, interested.
"Well, that member who was shooting up his house last week- probably just trying to shoot apples off his wife's head- has been suspended" the sergeant said sadly, "and he'll probably get posted to Williams Lake like our last wall-shooter, who beat a teenaged girl up there to a total bloody pulp in the back of his cruiser."
"Harsh!" moaned the corporal.
The sergeant considered this seriously for a moment and then replied "Well, 'harsh' might be a bit strong. They'll issue him a fur hat for winter, and it's pretty nice country up there in summer."

002) The RCMP Desk Sergeant asked the corporal...

The RCMP desk sergeant asked the corporal, "Did you see where that guy sucker-punched the bus driver in the face and the judge let him off because he's an Indian?"
"Ya, I saw that. Used to be only we could do that."
They mulled this sad state of affairs over in their minds, and then the sergeant cheered up.
"Don't worry." he said to the corporal. "We've got a guy whose an RCMP and an Indian, and he got away with murder, twice." 

001) The RCMP desk sergeant and the Delta Police mail-boy...

The mail-boy from the Delta Police was going into the nearby RCMP detachment to pick up the daily memos. The RCMP sergeant at the desk was talking to a visiting FBI man, and he said "Watch this. This kid from the Delta force is the stupidest kid in the world."
As the boy reached for the envelope full of memos, the RCMP sergeant held out both hands, palms up. One hand had a looney in it and the other had two quarters. "You can have the money in whichever hand you pick", said the sergeant. The boy picked the two quarters and left the station with the memos he had come for.
The FBI man finished his sympathy talk with the sergeant (about the loaded gun the sergeant had left on the ferry), left the station and saw the boy paying for an ice cream cone at a curbside vendor. He went up to the boy and asked "Why did you take the two quarters instead of the dollar?"
"If I ever take the dollar, the game will over", he replied, "and so far I've made over three hundred bucks".